Oh yeah, that was fun

Four years ago, at one of Katherine’s infant appointments I remember seeing a little boy about four or five years old going through his checkup. How adorable I thought. Then I looked down at my child. A four year old wellness appointment seemed like eons away. What would my own sweet baby girl look like at that future appointment?

Well, that’s the end of that. I hope you gotten your dose of “ohhhh, the poignant moments of parenthood” for the day because Katherine’s four year old wellness appointment was nothing like that little boy’s. There is nothing, I repeat, NOT A THING about Tuesday’s appointment that I will feel nostalgic about, except maybe walking out the door to go home.

Katherine new she was going to the doctor for a checkup. I told at bedtime Monday night. Yes, there were tears and cries of “I don’t want to go to the doctor.” The first words out of her mouth the next morning “Please I don’t want to go to the doctor.” Phew, I thought…got that meltdown over with.

Hardy har har.

Stupid me gave away my ace in the hole on the two block drive from the daycare to the doctor’s office “If you’re really brave and are a good girl for your checkup, we’ll stop at the store on the way home and get some Skittle and Gummy Bears.” Doh! The tears started the minute we walked in the door.

We’ll start with the appetizer.

Want to make a parent of doctor phobic child shake? Utter the words: “We’re gonna need a urine sample.” Katherine is a camel, if she doesn’t have to go not much is going to make her go. The brute force method of putting her on the potty resulted in kicking, screaming and crying. Were idle promises and threats made? Yes, yes they were. Did they help? Not a bit. We were sent home with a Mexican hat and specimen cup.

Round one: Us: 0, Katherine: 1. On to the main course.

Off to the exam room where things went from bad to worse. Kicking, crying, squirming, you name it. At one point it looked as if we would need to reschedule the appointment (heck no, I didn’t just pay the $25 co-pay for nothing). God bless the nurse for being able to get her calmed down enough to do a blood pressure check (this alone took 20 minutes), height and weight. Hearing test? Yeah, um, no. “Mommy, I wanna go home!” The Nurse Practitioner was EXCELLENT and was able to get a lot done but Katherine balked when it was time to look in her ears. I had to hold K’s head and at that point I had had it.

Honestly, I was torn because while I knew that Katherine was genuinely terrified of this whole ordeal, a big part of me was just plain ticked off at her behavior. Let’s just say her and I had a few “words of prayer” which did absolutely no good. Why did I even threaten to forgo the Skittles and Gummy Bears? Because a. it only made her more upset and b. I knew (but she didn’t) that shots were coming and I knew full well that I would cave after watching that. I even let her play with those germ infested doctor’s office toys but my GOD I was desperate people. (A side note to doctors: throw away the toys, please??? They are broken and disgusting and cause more angst than they help.) I knew flying off the handle would do nothing to help the situation but it was all I could do NOT to fly off the handle. I’m not a spanker, don’t believe in spanking, and don’t plan to spank my children. EVER. But did I want to pop her right then and there? You betcha. Wouldn’t that have helped the doctor phobia.

Am I expecting too much of her at four years old to act like a decent person at the doctor’s office? I understand the medical odyssey that was her second year of life pretty much did her in but it seems to be getting worse and not better. I’m at a loss for what to do.

Ahhh, shot time. Think of it as the dessert course except burnt toast was being served instead of a hot fudge sundae. Once she caught wind of what was about to happen it was all over. For her safety another nurse came in to hold her down instead of me. Screaming, crying, and kicking ensued, how the nurse at that end held her legs down and got the shots, I don’t know how. I guess their used to it. I was at her head. When the shots came she let out the loudest scream I have ever heard from her. A blood curdling, “Oh my goodness this is the worst pain I have ever felt and why are you doing this to me??” type scream. It brought tears to my eyes.

Oh and the after dinner mint? They haven’t received their state issued supply of flu shots yet. We’d have to bring her back for the flu shot. BWAAAA HA HA HA HA HA! You think I’m voluntarily going through that again???? I’ll think we’ll pass this year. And explain to me how every drugstore in the area is advertising that they have the flu shot yet the state can’t ship it out to the pediatrician’s offices????

Two minutes after the shots she was mostly recovered. Of course, she also new that the appointment was over and she was heading home, after a stop at the treasure box. Yes, I caved on the Skittle and Gummy Bears, boy am I a sucker. More like, I was a wreck, physically and emotionally spent for the rest of the night. I couldn’t think straight. Wandered aimlessly around the house. Katherine, on the other hand, was downright chipper. We asked her about her behavior at the doctor’s office and why she doesn’t like it there. “Because I don’t.” Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

And wouldn’t you know not less than two hours after the appointment Katherine announced that she needed to go potty and she wanted to pee in the Mexican hat. Would not take no for an answer. Thought it was the funniest thing. There I was yesterday afternoon, leaving work early to go drop off my daughter’s pee at the doctor’s office. The nurse asked how she was doing and assured me that their used to kids acting like that. She said that Katherine may grow out of it “but some kids never do”. Greeeeaaaaaaat.

I’d say that Ted has the next doctor’s appointment but he’s already gone through similar experiences (save the shots) with the dentist and the impromptu throat culture in August (where he had the distinct pleasure of being yacked on right after they did her culture). We’ve both put in our dues; we just want relief from this. Next week is Teddy’s 6 month wellness appointment and I’m thinking of taking her along to show her the doctor’s office when the appointment isn’t for her, that it’s not such a scary place.

Funny, the NP asked me in the initial “interview” how she does with other people and groups, does she socialize well? Yeah, she does great except when she sees all of you people.

Glad that’s over with.